IT’S OFFICIAL // My Season

The wait is over! Back to Eden is official and to kick it off, here’s a little life update and what I’ve seen the Lord doing and showing me in my life this season!

This last season has proved to be some of the most incredibly hard to face moments I’ve walked through in some time. Having dreams that I want to achieve and giants that I know I need to stand up against has made trying to achieve what feels impossible, feel even more impossible.

Navigating seasons with the Lord can be tricky sometimes. If you aren’t aware of your season, it can feel as if you are somehow out of place, floating somewhere in between, “God where are you?” and, “where’s the grace for me right now?”

For some time I’ve been on the edge of what feels like massive breakthrough, with a journey through the wilderness in front of me, waiting to cross that threshold because fear felt too real to me. It was hard to see then, but easy to diagnose that the report from the promised land for me felt to good to be true and I was the 10 that came back with a bad report, that couldn’t imagine moving into that very promise.

Before, I think I used to see the giants in my life as, overcoming this obstacle or achieving this goal of launching my website. No. Those things I see are the fruit of taking the land that God has promised. It was the deep dark places of my heart that posed the biggest threat.

“If they really knew you, they wouldn’t love you.” “You’re not important or valuable to anyone.” “Nobody cares what you have to say.” “When you fail, everyone will leave you.” … now these, are some big ol’ giants.

I can’t say that I’ve loaded my slingshot and run into battle and come to you guys with a report that says, “lookie lookie! I took down Goliath!” Honestly, I’m still wondering what that looks like for me. I’ll hopefully share more of the breakthrough that comes as I take these steps forward.

As of right now, the Lord’s showing me something more than being someone who achieves something or simply does something great. At the core, I can say that it’s who I truly want to be. A good christian, a great speaker and writer, someone who speaks life into people, pure and good hearted. Ultimately though, I’ve wrapped my identity in my doing, rather than the simplicity of who God already created me to be.

The statements above, the giants, all have a couple things in common. They are built on past experiences, it’s something that feels very real to me, and ultimately, it attacks my identity or sonship in the Lord.

I’ve started to realize that the enemy is really good at this. It’s not that the giant poses a threat, as we see God in the Bible decimate literally any obstacle in His people’s path.

The enemy will utilize those three things above and attack the weakest points of your life to try and get us to believe the giant is truly bigger than who’s inside me. He twists past experiences to shape your view of your future, uses thoughts that seem too real to us, and he seeks to destroy the very thing that connects us in relationship with the Lord, our identity and standing in God.

I would love to say that all of this comes from a really deep revelation of scripture and my time with the Lord, but it doesn’t. Suprisingly, it comes from a song by Judah & the Lion. Help me to Feel Again. As I listened to the lyrics of the song, I couldn’t help but feel like my breakthrough could only be found in learning to let my heart unravel.

I’ve been walking now for a month, letting my life hit the fan and not holding back from the ugliest emotions I have in my heart. Let me tell you, it feels good to finally be able to breathe again.

God never intented us to be groomed Christians that have the answers to all life’s difficulities wrapped up in one statement, “oh, I just have faith in Him! He’s going to work it out!”

Life is messy. Look at the Bible if you truly want to know what it’s like to walk with God. Abraham slept with a servant to fulfill God’s promise. Jacob deceived his brother and father to receive the blessing and inheritance. Our most beloved figure in the Bible, David, slept with Bathsheeba.

I’m not here to point out all the flaws in the Biblical figures to excuse myself from reaching a healthier and more whole place with the Lord. I’m trying to imply that walking with the Lord is not easy. It costs us everything.

God designed me, and all of you, to be exactly who you are, and to deny it or feel wrong for having questions, doubts and dissapointments would be a tragedy to our faith. It undermines the Gospel’s power from impacting our lives.

I could go on… but back to the point. The real giants in my season became exposed through a unraveling of my heart. It’s realest emotions displayed. Not hidden. Being able to be unmasked before the Lord, or better yet, be not hidden in the Garden of Eden from the Lord.

My whole dream and vision with Back to Eden is to create a space and place where we as Christians learn to stop running from and hiding our fears from God and live fully naked in front of Him. Hince, Back to Eden.

I wouldn’t be honoring that if I didn’t myself display that form of vulbnerability and openness as I walk through this season.

Honestly, I could probably sit and write for hours, but what I’m truly trying to say through all of this is this. As my life unravels, my giants get exposed, and I gather up every ounce of courage I have to run straight ahead. The Lord has shown me that it’s not in the doing that He has been satisfied in me.

He was satisfied long ago, on the cross that He bore. Even in rebellion, He chose me. Even in my sin He chose me that day and continues to, even in my season now.

If you need to. Cry. Scream. Laugh. Let the Lord see you for who you are and give Him space to touch that and shape you into who you’re truly meant to be.

Here’s to the start of Back to Eden and taking out those crappy giants!